old notebook quotes

photo by l.locke

"Who we love is beyond our control."
~FLB Wasteland


photo by TA.D

"Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness."
~Poppy Z. Brite


photo by vokaris

"Think of your pain like a bunch of red roses, a beautiful thorn necklace. Everyone has one."
~FLB Witchbaby

Road to Somewhere

I'm beginning to feel like I live out of boxes.

Tomorrow I'm on the road again...


photo by bubbo-tubbo

Walking down the Mercer Street
Been a long hot summer
Rain like daggers comin' down on me
Got a feeling it's too late
But alone together
Could be we might start it up all over again

Dream dream it's not too late
Sweet road to somewhere else
Listen to the radio
Are you calling

3 o'clock I'm on my way
On the road to somewhere
Little clouds like wounds that blow away
Listening to the radio like a friend that guides me
Playing out every song we used to know

Bring it on
Come along
On the road to somewhere
Take our time
See the signs
On the road to somewhere

~Goldfrapp

water lilies on a spring day

I've decided to move to San Antonio in hopes that there is more opportunity for me there. I have someone to stay with while I look for a job, but it's still going to be lonely. This is the first time I will have lived in an unfamiliar city with no friends or boyfriend to rely on. This is all me. And I'm incredibly nervous. The good thing is that my family will only be about 3 1/2 hours away, but I will still miss them.

Choices and decisions have been on my mind a lot. They are scary things. What if I make the wrong choice? What if things go horribly? What if, what if, what if....

I've found a few gems of knowledge to share with you here. Also, some photos I took today at the lily pond.



"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
~J.K. Rowling



"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh



"To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."
~ Deepak Chopra



"Choice by choice, moment by moment, I build the necklace of my day, stringing together the choices that form artful living."
~ Julia Cameron



"At some point your heart will tell itself what to do."
~ Achaan Chah

My quarter-life crisis

You never know what's going on behind the curtain. From the audience it seems like everyone has it going on. Everyone is making more money than you, creating more, has more friends, moving up in the world, happier, and just generally making a real contribution. But honestly, we're all just fumbling around in the dark wondering how everyone else is making it.

No one talks about this quarter-life crisis thing. No one cares about the twenty something population. I feel like being a twenty something is like walking a tight rope from childhood to adulthood, and you never know when you're going to fall flat on your stomach and have the wind knocked out of you.

I'm 26, but just now beginning to realize that this is what I'm going through. Growing through. I thought it was just me being a huge failure, but apparently it's quite common. That's good to know. But when does it end? When do I feel like I've finally "made it"?

The job search is awful. I'm trying to decide whether I need to stay in my hometown and continue to look for a so-so job in which to pay bills with and save money or if I should move on to the big city and continue my search there. I could get to the city and have the same bout of bad luck, but I don't see that I have anything to lose. I like having the comfort of my friends and family though. This is what it all comes down to. Getting out of my comfort zone. Taking a bit of a risk. Either way, I will probably end up losing money.

Decisions, decisions.

playing catch-up

so it's been a few weeks. this is due to the fact that i got a job. six days a week. then i come home, but on a kubrick film, and fall asleep. it has been difficult. 

so i'll catch you up on my world.

a few weeks ago the weakerthans came home to do two shows with the constantines. a few years ago, they did this same tour, calling it the 'rolling tundra review' both times around. both times i saw were john k samson's birthday. strange coincidence. i got to take pictures for uptown. here are some of the good ones.

then we had the university of winnipeg student film festival. a few people won all the awards, except for the audience favourite, which we won. chad said a few things at the podium then i said a few things. literally too many people to thank. i suppose we should finish the film so that we can send it to other festivals. though i figure this will not happen. it will collect digital dust, just like the others.

after the screening, darcy fehr (was supposed to play john in our film) and andrew nolan (did play john in our film) took jen and i out for drinks. darcy says it is important to celebrate. he said he'd like to get 'mr writer' (our feature that i wrote) back on track. it was a great time. then on the friday night dave brown (the gun guy) got to see the film. i enjoyed watching it with the second audience, different reactions, etc. i was uneasy on the first night it showed (not just cuz all the friends/family/cast/crew were seeing it, but simply because it looks weird on the big screen and not on the little mac that i love right here). so the audience all seemed to like it, but i was hoping for bigger laughs and i suppose i don't like attention either, it makes me uncomfortable. 

another thing i don't like is unwanted encouragement. you know the type, when people try to hype you up because they think you're worried or they think you think that you can't do something so they hype you up all 'hey don't worry it'll be okay' and you're all 'i thought i was gonna be, now i'm not so certain'. 

anyways, i went out for drinks the other night with aaron hughes, hadn't seen him since we shot '...chuck forgets' over two years ago. we caught up, complained about things, discussed shoots and directors and his thoughts on me adapting certain books and then he said he was moving back to BC for a while (or for good). either way, i was stoked to maybe write something for him in the near future, but oh well. anyway. it was raining that night. we went to the fox and the hound. it was a good time.

got to start my new job two weeks ago. lots of pressure. you see, i've started as a scuba diving instructor. this is difficult because a) i have intense sinus problems, i almost died in grade five and b) i don't like people very much, so teaching them how to breath underwater is quite difficult. 

i've been nothing but tired because of adjusting my sleep schedule. i'm so out of it lately. sorry if you haven't seen me around. i'm not there.

i think i need to go watch rushmore because i've been listening to her and it gets me in that type of mood. i also just noticed that she has some margot tennenbaum paintings on her walls in one of her videos. my heart skips a beat.

-nick