the summer of 2004 (no modern romance)

wow.

so i spent my evening watching permanent midnight with the commentary on (something i now indulge in since moving out on my own, i have never ever listened to commentary tracks before in my life) and viewing old student films on a vhs i have. these films would be all of our filmmaking one films, when dave skene and i starred in everything everyone did. sheena's films involve me buying condoms for dave and me making out with meghan flett and then smashing a toilet to overcome my fear of water. my films involve leah killing me (played by a douche named beau) and leah selling watches out of her coat. my films also have lots of illegally used bruce mcdonald clips. dave's films were really fucking good and still take my breath away. fucker. there were many others. 

that was a weird time for me. the spring of 2004 went as such: a three and a half year relationship with a girl ended right after i turned 21, i went to vegas with my family and then i came home just in time to start the film 1 spring session. we spent every day together, drinking, making movies, hanging out at apartments, getting into trouble, wondering who will with who, etc. plenty of etc. i was part of a little group for the first time in a while. sheena and dave started dating after she ended a four year with her boyfriend, the cross dressing adam. leah was single and out there and so was mel. that summer leah and i were in the first of two fringe plays with bob smith and co, and after that whirlwind i went back to school in the fall (losing my job at radioshack, thankfully). that fall we started the film 2 program aka 'advanced filmmaking'. when we returned i found that many folks had been into things without me, that i had missed out on many things. a new band had formed behind my back and our drummer was waiting to get his PA system back (prompting me to purchase a used one at L&M which now collects dust) so he could officially join said band. a new crop of kids, caley gibson, kathleen poley and the deepening of a friendship between nick and chad would occur. films would be made. more drinking and apartment sleepovers and parties would occur. msn messenger would continue to be a lifeline. i had a routine and that routine involved many other people.

my routine now is rather solitary. i used to go to the editing lab and know that i would see my best friends in the world. i would go to the couches in the theatre building and see my other best friends. i've been out of school almost two years now. they renovated the theatre building and put in a new editing lab. all the stuff from the old days is gone, the memories kept and captured on digital video. the guitarist i jammed with is a lawyer and engaged to a girl i set up with on a blind date. the film that sheena made with meghan and i that got me almost weepy tonight was based on her and dave falling in love and now, almost five years later, that too has recently ended.

i don't know what it is i'm feeling right now. i'm feeling weird mostly. thinking about the songs i used to sing and how i used to matter to more than the one person. i'm loved, i know this - but i'm feeling like i'm not a part of anything bigger - and i haven't felt like a part of a scene in a long, long time.

i don't know exactly what i want or where i want to be, but i had these friends, these people. i can't go back, we can't go back to how it all was ... but it was good. when it all mattered it was the best it ever was.

internship?

still sick, but had an interesting day today.

last night jen sent me an email about an internship with the tv show less than kind shot here in winnipeg. i sent my resume and this morning was awoken by a call from the production office.

went for an interview after my lil photo shoot for the primetimes this morning. i think it went really well. there are a few paid internships, props, set dec, etc. then they saw the writing and the bruce on my resume and asked and i told and then they informed me that there was also a writing internship and that if i were interested, they would pass my name and info along to the head guy, mark mckinney, and that i would interview with him if he so desired to chat with me. you may know him from kids in the hall, saddest music in the world, studio 60 or just this -   

ya - that would be insanely cool to get to organize pages and run around for the writers - just to be a fly on the wall, you know?

jen and i had a nice night tonight, cuddled, polished off sopranos season 3, had a grilled cheese party. 

then i came home and got on this emily haines kick, attempting to compile all her collaborations (of which there are many). mostly i did this because i have (always but especially since last week's stills show) been really into the record without feathers, which emily sings on the song baby blues. so making one mix turned into two (i dl'd her solo record from the 90s, tons of collabs). also, metric had two EPs that i dl'd and a bunch of one off tunes. most interesting possibly is emily's vocal collab on delirium's stopwatch hearts. personally, my favourite is metric's acoustic cover of elliott smith's between the bars. they also just released an acoustic version up for free dl on their site of the new single help i'm alive (on mac for some reason you can't enter your email, but it worked on my pc) and it is delightful. here is a picture of emily haines wearing sunglasses and headphones.

so the internship would be from march - may while they shoot season two. i also got a tour of the almost re-assembled sets. neato! my only downfall might be that i mentioned a few names of people that may or may not vouch for me when they call for references (just cuz i haven't talked to them in forever, or in the case of one such individual - he was one of my best friends then for no reason he didn't return my phone call and we haven't spoken since). 

in the spirit of thinking about said person, i am now going to go watch lost from tonight - which i taped on my vcr. take THAT pvr hooplah!

Photo by Smaragdin

I've been thinking a lot about my creative path to success and realized I'm not exactly where I intended to be.

In a counseling session many moons ago I was instructed to create a life map. It could be any medium, so I literally drew a map with winding roads and I put a car at the beginning of the road and its first stop was college. I wanted to finish college with a bachelor's degree, maybe a masters or MFA if I was feeling particularly ambitious. The next stop was a job I would enjoy and a job that would further my career in the publishing world. I drew two options for places I would find this job. Palm trees for California. Skyscrapers for New York. I was not going to stay in Texas past my college graduation. That was just out of the question.

I can't remember where the winding road led. I think it trailed off the paper to happily ever after.

But here's the thing. A) I fell in love at age 20. That certainly wasn't on the life map. Up until that point I thought boys hated me. I thought I'd be single forever. No man to tie me down. Fortunately, it did happen. There were some bumps along the way (some very bumpy bumps), but here we are almost 5 years later.

B) I finished college and took a job at a local magazine, but I hated it! It probably didn't help that I was working for a magazine whose theme didn't interest me in the least bit, but I am grateful for the experience.

C) Bills, bills, bills, and all the extra stuff life throws at you that costs mucho dinero. I quit my job at the magazine to be with my boyfriend in "small town" Florida. Lack of jobs, for sure. I had to get something before my savings ran out. I didn't have time to think about whether or not this or that job would further my writing career. When you have to pay the bills and there aren't a lot of job options, you take what you can get! Of course my family and boyfriend helped me and I did get a rather interesting job at a funeral home, so again, I'm grateful.

D) Must go where the money is. It's true that my boyfriend chose a lucrative career in the computer world and he'll probably always make more money than me. That's why we moved to Tennessee. I didn't have to follow him. I could've decided to go at it single and move to New York and live in a box and maybe get a job as an editorial assistant, but I didn't. There's love again.

So...I didn't go completely off the life path. I graduated college, got a job in publishing, and moved out of state, but things didn't go exactly as planned. Do they ever?

I'm not unhappy and I don't regret anything. I'm grateful for all the experiences, but I have been thinking...and it's always the same thing. When will I be able to do something I half care about? If I had it my way, I'd stay home and write. Not worry about a full-time job, but that's not possible at this time. I have bills. My boyfriend has bills. There's money, but not enough to go around.

And it's not that I dread going to work everyday. My job is all right. But I don't care about any part of it and I hate that feeling. I know I won't put my all into anything I do because my heart isn't in it. And it doesn't seem like there are a lot of options for me in this neck of the woods.

The good thing is I can go home, leave work at work, and continue working on the things I do love and care about. I can be a writer wherever I am in life.

the kids.

well.

i cannot sleep, i've got my first cold of our long, cold winter and i have been doing almost nothing since july.

the last few weeks especially i have been worried sick about money. i haven't done much to remedy this - simply counting the few dollars i have, what is coming in, what i owe to people, etc. 

i have done no work on the hcl site for a few weeks, even though i have about five things to write and one photo project for them. last week i simply couldn't bring myself to work on it. i kept thinking i would get in the mood, get inspired by reading my lennon book or watching a joe strummer doc or something ... but nothing came. nothing. i have at least cut the film down to 29:11, and with a few minutes of footage to add in, i should only have to cut another minute or so out, trimming five seconds here and there should do that (easier said than done, i've already gutted it like an hd fish that we shot months ago). 

i was too sick to go to kaeliegh's birthday on the weekend. part of me feels like a dick for missing it, she's one of my best friends. another part of me is worried that i woulda gotten pissy, being that everyone there works at hmv and i simply worked at hmv. the former. the guy who used to work there and hasn't made any friends since, has barely talked to the friends i did make there. sheesh. what a whiner. 

the miner 49er. scooby doo. 

a woman called me tonight from some kind of promotional website for bands that i signed us up on one night while bored and forgot about, she was wondering if we could play a show on march 7. i said no, our drummer is bassist in another band and they are touring. if this had been one year ago that woulda been true. i need to stop pretending i have a band. jen and i talk about jamming sometimes but that is never going to happen. i need to sell my drums to make money. i need to move on from the musical stuff, i dabbled for years, writing stuff, putting it together, bands, friends, this and that. 

truth be told, i haven't written  a song (nor have i wanted to) for months. just doesn't interest me anymore. i got to this point, this point where i was as good as i could get with music (not very) and realized (finally) that i'm not any kind of musician. i'm just doomed to capture images of them and sit and get jealous of them as they make easier (creative) livings that i ever will. i've said it before, shows are so much more accessible, albums easier to make and be appreciated. films not so much. so much more time, effort, man power goes into something that will never be watched as much as a song is listened to. this is a fact.

i have an i mother earth mouse pad from about ten years ago. exactly ten years ago. i keep it partly because it is funny, partly because i cannot find my return of the jedi mouse pad from fifteen years ago. 

haven't done the radio show in two weeks. throat has been sore. 

haven't slept in years, haven't talked to anybody else. 

i feel as though i am up in a tower, looking down at the world that is passing me by. occasionally i stop in to say hello to the peoples.

i am not incredibly happy these days.

any job i might go to find is going to be minimum wage. the minimum that they are allowed to pay. rock bottom. bottom of the barrel. yippee.

i suppose i should try to go back to sleep. 

fuck my stomach, my face, my throat and sinuses. fuck my lack of drive to do much of anything. fuck my libido for thinking too much on its own. fuck my dishes for piling up. fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck yeah yeah. 

the kids, despite what they all say, are not alright, nor are they right. they are just kids. leave them the fuck alone.

i'm just a little discouraged is all.

i went for a walk today. my butt has been getting sore from moving from the computer chair to the couch and back for the past ... seven months. eep. a job is needed.

anyways, i walked over to hydro to pay my hydro and walked down taylor. i saw a great field of untouched snow, beautiful. the sky was perfect today. the weather, the smell, perfect. walked around for about an hour until i realized i hadn't eaten food yet. it was about 3pm. 

i get discouraged at the canadian climate in media and entertainment, how a show such as the New Music could go off the air after 25 years with no real (good enough) explanation, how Chart magazine could stop publishing and be exclusively internet based without letting any of the writers know, leaving them to discover the announcement in a press release. 

i look at grant applications and 'emerging filmmaker funds' and say 'fuck it, what's the point? i'm not going to win, why would i go through all the trouble of making SIX COPIES of the application?'

i put off working on the newest batch of assignments for the hcl site. something intimidating and vague is usually what i am asked to deliver. they have loved it all thus far, but we shall see...

i think i might be out of money as of this month. i have been looking for jobs - but office depot and world of water are the only places who seem to be hiring. and the gas station on the corner.

i suppose i've been pretty depressed about it all, but that is nothing new. i just need to pay the bills, you know?

cut a trailer for the film, though how pointless is that? i don't know, it feels like a pretty funny trailer, making fun of trailers in general, specifically bio pic trailers. i don't know. i'll figure out how to get it online someday. then i'll figure out what the fuck to do with the film, since i have never ever put a film in any festival outside of the university festivals (they always do well, but competing with anything with an actual budget makes me think that it isn't worth the submission fee). i did submit to nsi once and was rejected, now they don't have a physical festival, just the online one. i showed films at a festival in thompson a few years ago, and that was not much of a festival. it was less organized than a kindergarten's show and tell time.

i'm just a little discouraged is all.

No Harvest Ripening

A poem by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Come quickly, winter, for the heart belies
The truth of these warm days. These August skies
Are all too fair to suit the times - so kind
That almost they persuade the treacherous mind
It still is summer and the world the same.
These gaudy colors on the hills in flame
Are out of keeping with the nun's attire
We wear within - of ashes, not of fire.

Season of ripening fruit and seeds, depart;
There is no harvest ripening in the heart.

Bring the frost that strikes the dahlias down
In one cruel night. The blackened buds, the brown
And wilted heads, the crippled stems, we crave -
All beauty withered, crumbling to the grave.
Wind, strip off the leaves, and harden, Ground,
Till in your frozen crust no break is found.

Then only, when man's inner world is one
With barren earth and branches bared to bone,
Then only can the heart begin to know
The seeds of hope asleep beneath the snow;
Then only can the chastened spirit tap
The hidden faith still pulsing in the sap.

Only with winter-patience can we bring
The deep-desired, long-awaited spring.

12:51 is haunting me

haven't blogged in a few weeks. haven't had much to report.

got dressed in the dark the other day, my gitch wound up being on backwards. when i noticed, i did not turn them around.

tried drumming on my drums that i've owned for two and a half years. i watched uncle todd's youtube tutorials, didn't help. i can't even keep a beat! thusly, the drums are now for sale. 

jen and i had our two year anniversary. she is the best!

the rough cut of the film is down to 31 minutes but needs to be shorter. chad came over for the first time in months to take a look at it. i don't know if it went well.

i still have no job and a stomach ache, like i said, nothing new to report.

well, i did get hired on as the official photographer for the prime times, which is a bi-weekly old people paper (like the lance, metro, other community news). so i get to do their cover shoots. last monday i did one, had to go downtown but when an attempt to pay the city for parking was made on one of those new machines that i think makes you pay for a full hour, it wouldn't recognize my money due to the cold. then it wouldn't recognize my credit card. then i drove to the front of the building i was going to on lombard and there were some loading zone spots across the street. four ways on, i held my breath.

my car was not towed. fuck you if it did get towed, city of winnipeg. fuck you.

the time 12:51 haunts me. i always notice it, more than other times. it sneaks up on you. i'll always think it's earlier and then KABLAMO, it's 12:51. i think it haunts me because it's a palindrome, right? and the strokes song. creepy. 

when i was a kid i used to lay on my side at night (not unlike how i do now) and stare at the digital clock, thinking the sideways numbers are faces. weird.

i should write, but instead i'm forcing out a blog. deal with it.

i did this week's uptown cover with chris carmichael. check it out here and witness one of the outtakes with his guitar in his face right here. up top. there you go.

well, if anyone reads this ... bye!

Sweet Saturday

Tonight I made "Outrageously Thick Spanish Hot Chocolate with Churros" from Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey by Jill O'Connor. Here's the recipe for the hot chocolate if you're in the mood for something super rich and chocolaty. This recipe serves six. (I didn't make the churros).

Ingredients:
6 cups whole milk
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/4 cup dutch-processed cocoa powder
3/4 cup sugar
pinch of salt
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
8-12 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (I used chocolate chips)

Pour 5 1/2 cups of the milk into a large, heavy-bottomed saucepan. In a small bowl or cup, stir together the cornstarch, cocoa powder, sugar, and salt. Add the remaining 1/2 cup of milk to form a smooth paste. Heat the milk over medium heat and just before it begins to boil, whisk in the cocoa mixture. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly, and cook for 1 minute, or until the mixture thickens slightly. Remove from the heat and stir in the vanilla and about 8 ounces of the chocolate. Stir until the chocolate is completely melted and combined. Taste the hot chocolate; if desired, stir in 4 more ounces of chocolate (or to taste) for an even richer flavor. Set aside and keep warm.

Today I visited the Book Eddy and came across Anne Morrow Lindbergh's The Unicorn & Other Poems. I've been reading her other book, Gift from the Sea, so it was pure serendipity and such a sweet moment to find this old book of poetry. Plus, there was a little note inside, written in 1973. I believe this note was written for me...

"From the woman who gave you 'Gifts from the Sea' - to my favorite unicorn - hope you enjoy it."

Magical...

Here is a poem, from the book, I absolutely adore:

"The Man and the Child"

It is the man in us who works;

Who earns his daily bread and anxious scans
The evening skies to know tomorrow's plans;
It is the man who hurries as he walks;
Finds courage in a crowd; shouts as he talks;
Who shuts his eyes and burrows through his task;
Who doubts his neighbor and who wears a mask;
Who moves in armor and who hides his tears.
It is the man in us who fears.

It is the child in us who plays;
Who sees no happiness beyond today's;
Who sings for joy; who wonders, and who weeps;
It is the child in us at night who sleeps.
It is the child who silent turns his face,
Open and maskless, naked of defense,
Simple with trust, distilled of all pretense,
To sudden beauty in another's face-

It is the child in us who loves.

If you're a fan of Francesca Lia Block you'll love this video of her talking about and reading from her new book, How to (Un)Cage a Girl.




*sigh*

Will you join the dance...

The body says what words cannot.
~Martha Graham



The main thing is dancing, and before it withers away from my body, I will keep dancing till the last moment, the last drop.
~Rudolph Nureyev



Dancing is my gift and my life…God gave me this gift to bring delight to others. I am haunted by the need to dance. It is the purest expression of every emotion, earthly and spiritual. It is happiness.
~Anna Pavlova



Don't dance for the audience; dance for yourself.
~Bob Fosse



Dance till the stars come down from the rafters. Dance, Dance, Dance till you drop.
~W.H. Auden

All photos from we heart it

Everyone is so grown up or has this I'm-an-adult-now attitude, and quite frankly, it confuses me. Maybe not confuses, but makes me wonder why. I'll be in a conversation about childhood things with a group of people and all I see are smiles and excitement and general giddiness. It's what happens when people talk about what they loved as a child. Movies, games, books. "The good old days." But as soon as I pull out my My Little Pony fruit snacks everyone crumples their face as if to say, "What the heck are you doing eating My Little Pony fruit snacks at 26?"

"Yes, it's My Little Pony," I say. "And I have Build-A-Bear fruit snacks too. In fact, I even went to Build-A-Bear the other day and stuffed my own rabbit. I also bought a fairy outfit for her."

Well, that is when everyone loses it and I could care less. Why do I participate in such silliness? Because it's fun! It makes me smile, keeps me young, keeps my mind buzzing with creativity. I'm not going to pass up colorful little pony squishy food because they're meant for a 5 year old. Why would I do that if it's something I want? Why would I stop reading faerie tales or dressing rabbits because I'm "too old?" One is never too old for anything. That's what I say. Well, perhaps throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store would be taking it a bit too far.

You know what I mean though? It's the age old conversation about getting older and putting away childish things. Losing your childlike mind, yadda yadda.

Nurturing your inner child doesn't mean you're immature.

I learned to shrug it off years ago. Actually, I don't think it ever bothered me. If I had a dollar every time someone has said, "Cassandra, it's not all about faeries and magic," I'd be super rich. I have observed that people only say that when they're struggling with reality and I'm not being dragged down with them. It's not that I live in a fantasy 24/7. I have a healthy balance of dreams and waking moments, but I would hatehatehate to come down from the clouds for too long.

I guess that has more to do with being a Romantic than being a child, but perphaps children are Romantics.

ANYwhichway, I think next time I get a funny look whilst I'm eating kiddy fruit snacks, I shall offfer one. I'm a bit annoyed I didn't do it this time, but I'm sure the opportunity will present itself again. :)

2008 ... so that happened...

well i don't really remember what happened in 2008. there was a lot of nothing, then some stuff, then more nothing.

the first half of the year was basically spent working at hmv. i didn't do much else - i didn't see a lot of people. i remember reading a lot of books, mostly band biographies and very little fiction. jen and i hung out lots, i had a good friend in mitch and chad and i worked on the mr writer screenplay, occasionally with bj, but mostly not. 

in the spring time we did a read through and it went well. after deciding that it would cost $100,000 to make, the project was put on the back burner because none of us seemed to want to figure out how to apply for grants (something that still stands). 

i don't remember much about the spring or anything else leading up to my firing from hmv other than jen got an apartment in may ... and her and i went to minneapolis in april to see nada surf and that was really awesome - except for the snow storm that caused us much grief and extended our seven hour drive to nearly ten. 

in may we saw wilco and it was amazing, best show of my life. i also shot my first cover for uptown magazine, american flamewhip. i would go on to shoot seven more over the year, including authors miriam toews and andrew davidson, producer mike petkau, bands such as quinzy, the liptonians and the musicians that did the last waltz show at the west end. i also wrote my first cover to accompany my first photo essay on a skate competition at the forks. 

during the last few weeks i lived at home i was spending many hours in front of my computer making lo-fi one take songs. i didn't leave my room much the last few weeks i lived there. i also packed up my life.

so then the day i signed the lease on my apartment, i think the last week of june, i went to work that afternoon and was told that i was put on suspension. this was on a thursday, the following monday they fired me over the phone. i wound up drifting away from a bunch of people that had become close pals. sucked, but at least i was free to have time to move into my apartment and find a job.

canada day was nice, jen and i kept up our tradition of watching docs about why america sucks and canada is awesome (2007 was sicko, 2008 was lake of fire) and we went to see wolf parade in minny. 

in august jen and i went to lollapalooza in chicago with ian and laura and i went to reckless records and bought lots of records. i got turned down for the film critic job i thought i was gonna get and got really pissed off.

i came home and finished writing a short screenplay based on phil spector, sorta. chad and i spent the next few months prepping and shooting it. jammed with dave skene again a little but the band didn't work out. 

switched my radio theme show, 'the.mix.tape.' to sundays so that jen could do the show again. it is on from 4-6 and can be listened to/downloaded at kick.fm

we shot the film starting in september but mostly in october and a little in nov/dec. we still have some pick-ups/re-shoots to do. it is running long but overall i am happy with it. 

in late august i started receiving word from toronto about a pair of hard core logo sequel films and a subsequent website to hype the flicks. in september i was personally asked by my film hero of over a decade bruce mcdonald to help work on the project, eventually being asked to write the bible for the band and edit the other writers involved. 

as merch table delite i have recorded over thirty songs this year and received mixed reactions (basically what i was going for). i also helped shoot a video for the band ken mode and stopped eating cheese. 

hopefully 2009 brings some good wishes, i have been unemployed for six months and am desperate to find a job. i am also hoping to go further with my photography, take some classes and expand my portfolio. i would like to learn to be a photographer, a little ass backwards since it has been my only income for the latter half of 2008. i would also like to move forward with our full length project, mr writer. i have sent the script to actors darcy fehr (my winnipeg) and aaron hughes (you kill me) in hopes that they will have some thoughts and one day possibly work on the project. i have worked with aaron twice before and would love for him to be involved, while darcy i haven't worked with as much but he was to play a role in our most recent film (long story, read the old entries) and unfortunately couldn't. fingers crossed. other than those two and possibly katherine supleve whom i went to university with, the flick is virtually un-cast. 

here we go ...

A sweet bottle

I wanted to mention that I found the most adorable bottle of champagne last night and couldn't resist buying it. What's a ballerina supposed to do when she's confronted with a champagne label that has this on it?!



And look~the top is pink with pointe shoes :)



For the record, it was a pretty good champagne, but not sweet at all. Nevertheless, I drank three glasses and passed out. That is to say, I fell asleep! Not a drunken passed out.

And I do have many resolutions for the new year. Ones I believe I can keep. They mostly have to do with publishing poetry, and my dance resolutions never cease. There are so many things to work on!

Here's to another year of adventure...

Happy New Year!

Hope 2009 is the most magical of all :)