the kids.

well.

i cannot sleep, i've got my first cold of our long, cold winter and i have been doing almost nothing since july.

the last few weeks especially i have been worried sick about money. i haven't done much to remedy this - simply counting the few dollars i have, what is coming in, what i owe to people, etc. 

i have done no work on the hcl site for a few weeks, even though i have about five things to write and one photo project for them. last week i simply couldn't bring myself to work on it. i kept thinking i would get in the mood, get inspired by reading my lennon book or watching a joe strummer doc or something ... but nothing came. nothing. i have at least cut the film down to 29:11, and with a few minutes of footage to add in, i should only have to cut another minute or so out, trimming five seconds here and there should do that (easier said than done, i've already gutted it like an hd fish that we shot months ago). 

i was too sick to go to kaeliegh's birthday on the weekend. part of me feels like a dick for missing it, she's one of my best friends. another part of me is worried that i woulda gotten pissy, being that everyone there works at hmv and i simply worked at hmv. the former. the guy who used to work there and hasn't made any friends since, has barely talked to the friends i did make there. sheesh. what a whiner. 

the miner 49er. scooby doo. 

a woman called me tonight from some kind of promotional website for bands that i signed us up on one night while bored and forgot about, she was wondering if we could play a show on march 7. i said no, our drummer is bassist in another band and they are touring. if this had been one year ago that woulda been true. i need to stop pretending i have a band. jen and i talk about jamming sometimes but that is never going to happen. i need to sell my drums to make money. i need to move on from the musical stuff, i dabbled for years, writing stuff, putting it together, bands, friends, this and that. 

truth be told, i haven't written  a song (nor have i wanted to) for months. just doesn't interest me anymore. i got to this point, this point where i was as good as i could get with music (not very) and realized (finally) that i'm not any kind of musician. i'm just doomed to capture images of them and sit and get jealous of them as they make easier (creative) livings that i ever will. i've said it before, shows are so much more accessible, albums easier to make and be appreciated. films not so much. so much more time, effort, man power goes into something that will never be watched as much as a song is listened to. this is a fact.

i have an i mother earth mouse pad from about ten years ago. exactly ten years ago. i keep it partly because it is funny, partly because i cannot find my return of the jedi mouse pad from fifteen years ago. 

haven't done the radio show in two weeks. throat has been sore. 

haven't slept in years, haven't talked to anybody else. 

i feel as though i am up in a tower, looking down at the world that is passing me by. occasionally i stop in to say hello to the peoples.

i am not incredibly happy these days.

any job i might go to find is going to be minimum wage. the minimum that they are allowed to pay. rock bottom. bottom of the barrel. yippee.

i suppose i should try to go back to sleep. 

fuck my stomach, my face, my throat and sinuses. fuck my lack of drive to do much of anything. fuck my libido for thinking too much on its own. fuck my dishes for piling up. fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck the kids fuck yeah yeah. 

the kids, despite what they all say, are not alright, nor are they right. they are just kids. leave them the fuck alone.