so i spent my evening watching permanent midnight with the commentary on (something i now indulge in since moving out on my own, i have never ever listened to commentary tracks before in my life) and viewing old student films on a vhs i have. these films would be all of our filmmaking one films, when dave skene and i starred in everything everyone did. sheena's films involve me buying condoms for dave and me making out with meghan flett and then smashing a toilet to overcome my fear of water. my films involve leah killing me (played by a douche named beau) and leah selling watches out of her coat. my films also have lots of illegally used bruce mcdonald clips. dave's films were really fucking good and still take my breath away. fucker. there were many others.
that was a weird time for me. the spring of 2004 went as such: a three and a half year relationship with a girl ended right after i turned 21, i went to vegas with my family and then i came home just in time to start the film 1 spring session. we spent every day together, drinking, making movies, hanging out at apartments, getting into trouble, wondering who will with who, etc. plenty of etc. i was part of a little group for the first time in a while. sheena and dave started dating after she ended a four year with her boyfriend, the cross dressing adam. leah was single and out there and so was mel. that summer leah and i were in the first of two fringe plays with bob smith and co, and after that whirlwind i went back to school in the fall (losing my job at radioshack, thankfully). that fall we started the film 2 program aka 'advanced filmmaking'. when we returned i found that many folks had been into things without me, that i had missed out on many things. a new band had formed behind my back and our drummer was waiting to get his PA system back (prompting me to purchase a used one at L&M which now collects dust) so he could officially join said band. a new crop of kids, caley gibson, kathleen poley and the deepening of a friendship between nick and chad would occur. films would be made. more drinking and apartment sleepovers and parties would occur. msn messenger would continue to be a lifeline. i had a routine and that routine involved many other people.
my routine now is rather solitary. i used to go to the editing lab and know that i would see my best friends in the world. i would go to the couches in the theatre building and see my other best friends. i've been out of school almost two years now. they renovated the theatre building and put in a new editing lab. all the stuff from the old days is gone, the memories kept and captured on digital video. the guitarist i jammed with is a lawyer and engaged to a girl i set up with on a blind date. the film that sheena made with meghan and i that got me almost weepy tonight was based on her and dave falling in love and now, almost five years later, that too has recently ended.
i don't know what it is i'm feeling right now. i'm feeling weird mostly. thinking about the songs i used to sing and how i used to matter to more than the one person. i'm loved, i know this - but i'm feeling like i'm not a part of anything bigger - and i haven't felt like a part of a scene in a long, long time.
i don't know exactly what i want or where i want to be, but i had these friends, these people. i can't go back, we can't go back to how it all was ... but it was good. when it all mattered it was the best it ever was.
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