photo: Denis Kornilov

"Writing isn't about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy. Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So drink. Drink and be filled up."

~Stephen King

ocean girl

i want the ocean and blue skies and summer sun...


photo: the kooks





photo: rattlesnakefur


fashiontainment via we heart it


photo: guills


i am fashion via we heart it


photo: Big Green Eyes


photo: littlegirlblue

old toast/new toast

it occurs to me that i don't know what i'm doing. i feel like i'm being thrust through space, holding onto something and a few people and that everything is flying by. all i can do is sit and watch. wait. hold my breath. yes - this is super emo (1997 type) but i have to vent. have to bitch, moan, worry. i work on other people's schedules. i hate it. i want someone to work around me for once. i wish i had something for them to work around.

i ran out of food in my fridge and i'm out of money and i almost don't care.

i suppose i'm just sick of everyone and their negativity. everyone and their self-importance. everyone walking in and thinking they can change everything while i've been sitting there nursing and pouring over it forever. i have a certain idea, certain goals. ways that i want this all to end up. if you stand in my way, i will fucking fight you. i will get my way because i cave too easily. 

this is how it is. this is what we grow up to be. self aware, self consumed, self conscious ... self obsessive. i'm not a photographer. i'm not ready. i'm not musical. i'm not easily educated. i'm not pushy enough sometimes. i'm too pushy sometimes. i'm not here, leave a message. i'm waiting. i'm tired of waking up tired. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast (you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?) i'm tired of the way i am not included in something that i helped create. jen says maybe it's because i'm negative. fuck that. someone said maybe it's because i don't drink anymore. this has been going on way longer. some say it's because they think i'm busy. i'm not.

after this - it's all done. we're through. say it mean it. we're fucking done.

the jew nose

so i'm (sorta) watching the juno awards (which i said i wouldn't, but it's pretty funny - unintentionally - because these people are all douches). ANYWAYS if you've ever seen the show 'where you at baby?' with matt wells on muchmoremusic, then you probably saw the episode where fatass mike reno from loverboy bitched about not being in the canadian rock hall of fame. so tonight, i just watched a very scripted and lame mike reno and his band of workers for the weekend being inducted. hmm. i should go on tv and get fat and bitch about not being in a hall of fame. yes, you may have more juno awards than any other shitty 80s rock band (they won six one year) and yes, you may have gold records that you now keep in a duffel bag with your junos ... but that does not entitle you to anything. people expect too much in this life. isn't it enough that you still get to live off of these five hit singles thirty years later? isn't it enough that you do not, in fact, have to work at all for the weekend?

also - cool to see the stills on mainstream tv and radio but not really cool that they won 'best new group' as they have been together for a decade and this is their third full length. also, i don't care about dallas green and his lame bow tie. 

just saying. next year they should just give every award to joel plaskett.

when i was in high school this complete asshole who failed three years was in my grade ten class and would call me 'jew nose' (my nose is kinda big, but whatever) and thusly, whenever i hear of canada's lame answer to the lamer grammy's i think of this asshole and how one time he and this other asshole pissed in a bucket all night and then dumped it on their friend. god, high school was a dark place, am i right? especially dakota. if you weren't drunk or stoned you really didn't matter there. gooooood times.

well, that's all i got in me tonight.

back baby!

the following is what a ten year old would say when asked 'what did you do when you had no internet?' except i'm 26 and feeling rambly.

so i didn't pay shaw. so they took my email away. then my cable. then i drove through this big puddle (you know, the ones that were all over last week) and my car froze overnight and then i didn't have a car. you see, i needed my car to go see bend sinister, to give them back their hard drive. they had given me their hard drive the day before, and it took ten hours to copy the clips from their doc that i'm cutting for them. they were in town opening for mobile. i was surprised to hear that mobile were still together. i don't listen to popular music. were they even popular? i remember the french girl i dated liked them. this is probably because they were from montreal. they weren't one of those cool montreal bands though, a band such as arcade fire (who truthfully, are not part of that scene, having only two members actually from there) but anyways, you know what i mean. so i looked over their footage and it's pretty decent, i can make a film out of this. speaking of films, ours is almost done (finally). our picture cut is down to 30 minutes and thirty seconds. pretty exciting. the sound is almost done, josh is working on a few more songs. i showed him the film and kaeliegh the film and they both liked it. josh's band also played last week on the day everyone drinks. it was good. the venue was crap though. chad played on the weekend and a separate venue was crap and we couldn't get in. they also wouldn't let chad have a cup of water, they told him to drink from the tap like a golden retriever. we didn't get to see chad play. it sucked. jen had her birthday. it was good. she got spoiled. she also told me that she does not like space shows. i now quote her on this every day. all the new footage in our film looks really great. there is 16mm footage in black and white and in colour. it makes it look like we spent a lot of money (we did, kinda). it makes the opening of our film look really pretty. the acting is also good in our film. i think the acting is good because it doesn't sound like anyone is pretending. i made a stop motion film using still photogs that i took a long time ago and also ones that i took recently. you can watch it here. it is funny and has my sister and her friend carly. it uses a song by twotails. sometimes people call twotails taylor. sometimes they call him funny and short. when i grow up i want to be a filmmaker or a spaceman. i like having the internet back. the end.

Hey gang!

Check me out on Thirteen Myna Birds today! My poem "I Heart California" has joined the latest formation, along with a photo of my fresh ink.

Thirteen Myna Birds is an online publication run by Juliet Cook, who also runs Blood Pudding Press. She describes TMB as "an online poetry publication seeking the evocative, the connotative, the creepy, the odd, the paranormal, and the dark." It's a flight formation of delicious poetry, so check it out!

note to self

Tomorrow doesn’t exist. So stop looking at the weekly forecast and dreading the rain that might come. Put the laundry basket down. Forget about the files on your desk. Live for today. Live for the tangerine sunrise and midnight milky way. Observe how the freshly planted daffodils welcome the sun by lifting their heads to the sky. Take a deep breath in, then breathe out all that holds you back from being your best self – today! Tomorrow doesn’t exist.

my first tattoo

After a month of going back and forth, yesterday was the breaking point for me. I could not stop thinking about getting this tattoo. So today, I did it! "All the poems written in your skin" is a lyric from the song "Some People" by Goldfrapp. I got it on my left forearm. When I first heard it I had one of those moments when I felt like it was written just for me.

What does it mean to me? A couple of things. First, it's to remind me that there's always poetry inside of me. Secondly...I've always been inspired by scars. Each one has it's own story. Each one is a poem. I don't know how many times I've written about my own scars. They always seem to be the main subject in a lot of what I write. So the second meaning, and the most important one, is quite literal. All the poems really are written in my skin.

"I have stretched ropes from steeple to steeple;
garlands from window to window;
golden chains from star to star, and I dance."
~Arthur Rimbaud (French Poet)

*p.s. If the above illustration is yours, please let me know and I'll give you proper credit.

nothing really to report

so i can't stop listening to the new metric - there are fucking ANTHEMS on this disc people!

i've been listening to it on repeat as i put together some stop-motion animation using the pictures i've taken over the last few months (you find that when you snap em off in a row that you can use them like a flip book - put it to some fast music and BAM) and it's looking neat.

felt nice to have something productive come from my night instead of just eating munchy mix and watching a vhs of the show cracking up (it only lasted 9 episodes, starred molly shannon and jason schwartzman, created by mike white) so that was nice.

had a nice lunch with my dad today, we palled around and didn't discuss the fact that i'm running out of money and haven't gotten THE job (yet?) so i need to find out some shit. he was great and supportive but politely trying to kick my ass.

also, got some shitty news about my neighbour and friend - gonna miss ya buddy (not dead, don't worry). 

also ALSO need to check my bank account more often. jeepers. but i sold the drums, so that is a plus!

gnite?

Quarter-life crisis

I can sit and look at this painting all day. It's currently my desktop wallpaper and I find myself entranced by the mood it creates. I stare as if I'm really at this park watching the women in their little boat, enjoying a summer day. I imagine my fingers creating ripples in the cool of the water. And I haven't forgotten the bits of bread for the duckies.

There is peace in this painting. Especially when I turn around and see the windows framing a gray sky. All the trees are still dead and I'll be wearing a sweater by the week's end.

My spirit is agitated and restless. I know that at least part of it is due to s.a.d., but another part is because I'm trying to find my place in the world. A nice, little boat to guide me through the journey. A place where my heart isn't frazzled.

Writing is my oxygen and yet, right now it feels like only an afterthought. I feel like I'm holding my breath until 5:00 p.m...everyday. I reallyreallyreally hate that feeling.

BUT, I shall not end on a negative note. There is much to be thankful for, much to love. Especially this hope in spring.

p.s. "Sometimes when you're ready for a change and you kind of know it but won't admit it, when it comes, not only are you surprised, but it hurts."

late night ramble

well - it's 418am and technically wednesday morning. i'm going for lunch with my dad tomorrow - great, always the days when i can't sleep at all. i had tried to adjust my sleep a week or two ago, and i was on a semi-regular out by 1am and up by 10am type of thing but that has all gone to shit now.

i spent my day reading (a book i bought for someone's birthday next week, i don't think she reads this blog but i won't say in case she decides to before monday) and listening to stereolab (my new favourite band) and the new handsome furs (like new order fronted by dan boechner) and making tapes of merch table delite. yes - because i think the cover art simply looks better on a tape case than a cd case. if you want a tape, just say so.

not that anyone reads this. 

'hello in there' (a la charlie brown's mailbox)

i really can't sleep. i've read half of this book today and did the dishes from my party over a week ago and generally have nothing to do but worry where the rent is coming from next month (even if i sell the drums, i have hydro to pay now and i haven't paid shaw in probably five months) so i just stay up worrying and my stomach hurts even though i barely ate anything today (nothing since 430pm ... so twelve hours and it still fucking feels full, except my body is craving nutrition). 

blah.

at least there is a record sale on sunday to take my mind off of this not having a job/getting a job thing. 

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

also - the 16mm footage is over two weeks late so we have no complete film which ALSO keeps me up at night.

list of things that do NOT keep me up at night:

-my fish

-the mcdonald's 'mcruler' that i have used since i was six (a cardboard ruler with ronald stretching his arms out on the cm side and the hamburgler, grimace, birdie and a pom pom thing on the inches side)

-my camera (also, no uptown work this week - funny how that happens)

-unpainted canvases

-the building (always pretty quiet, day or night)

-the street (maybe a distant siren per day, i am next to a back lane with my parking lot in it)

-you (because you go to sleep so early)

-my dog (because i don't live with my family anymore)

-the white walls that are covered in posters and things

-my bed (i sleep on the couch mostly)

-food (i don't eat food mostly)

-aliens (they mostly come out at night, mostly)

-the computer (actually probably does keep me up, maybe i should try going back to bed)

goodnight

winter winter go away

twentythree via we heart it

All I want to do
is sit in the sun for awhile

and burn

burn

until the bone
is exposed.

the bruce

went and attended the master class with bruce mcdonald today. it was super interesting and fun. he told some great stories.

then afterwards i went and introduced myself to the man, he then called me his 'new favourite writer' and gave me a hug. he then said we'd go have dinner together this week.

yup.

tonight we will go and watch pontypool, a sneak preview screening of his newest film.

yup.

the job interview

had 'the job interview' today. i was stressing and stressing for probably a month leading up to this. it lasted for fifteen minutes. it went as well as it could have. i got to meet mark mckinney which was awesome. he and the other writers seem like really great people and i would be lucky to get to work with them. 

cool moment 1) i walk into the upstairs office (not that intimidating, i'd been to this production office many times) and there he was, about my height and stuck out his hand, "hi, i'm mark" and something washed over me: he's just a guy named mark. yes, he's also one of the most influential sketch comics of the last twenty years and yes he is also a brilliant writer and actor (check out studio 60) and yes, he is a kid in the hall and was on snl but he's also just a dude, and that was pretty great to see. (also, walking into the room reminded me of the opening sequence of that one season of k.i.t.h. where they walk into this big party and everyone is laughing and yeah, i flashed to that for a second).

cool moment 2) when mark asked me if i was organized and i said i was very, i was anal about how organized i was he said "anal is a naughty word, we don't use naughty words here." that was pretty funny.

so i'm going to try to go to the master class with bruce tomorrow at film group and then check out pontypool in the evening. 

also, if you want to check out how cool canadian films get made, here's a great page with some great blogs about bruce's early work from his old producing partner. 

yup.

welp - on saturday a bunch of people came over and it was the first time i've had a bunch of people over to my apartment. there were people i used to work with when i had a job, friends of mine, friends of my girlfriend who are now as well friends of mine. one friend made me a cookie that was big and had grooves like a record and in the center where the band's name goes she put 'merch table delite' which is my fictional band that i make music for and sometimes i think she is the only person that acknowledges/indulges me in this. also, the box the cookie came in had a neat album cover. she also made me a record card and got me the newest woody allen film to come to dvd. it was nice to see everyone and watch the mr t cartoon with them. 

on sunday we didn't do the radio show (again) and we had a dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. my family then got me a few books i already had and a few i didn't, so i will have to go and return the other books. i also got the dvd of the beatles' film 'help!' and just watched it. i wish i had skicycles like the ones they used in the safety of the alps.

on monday i sat around the university and we got john kozak to read lines for the role of the bingo caller to play in the background of our final scene. i miss hanging out at the school but we were there for a long time and i got thirsty.

i also did a lot of nothing.

then yesterday was my birthday and i had lunch at my grandma's with my sister and then jen and i had dinner at baked expectations and i saw my old librarian/french teacher from junior high and she kept looking at me but i ignored her because i haven't talked to her in eleven years. then we went to the record store and i couldn't find the sean lennon records and jen and i went back to her apartment and i opened my presents and she got me the dark was the night compilation and snuff by chuck palahniuk and tv on the radio tickets and an awesome card. 

i think i have been feeling awkward lately for a few reasons. in the last few years, i have been unable to enjoy any kind of situation that revolves around attention being focused on me and the only reason i can come up with is that maybe i have developed some sort of social anxiety. i keep looking down at the ground and my mind wanders and i don't like the attention. also, lately, i've been waiting about a certain job and it has been overworked so much in my mind that i don't know if i could handle it if i got it. a) i've been out of work for eight months and have become quite lazy and b) it's an intimidating job and if i fuck up then it is all over for me in that field. i'm feeling an enormous amount of pressure and it is freaking me out. 

i'm also incredibly bored and depressed lately with nothing to do all day. sometimes i honestly would rather have a job with no responsibility than have a job that i could excel at. 

i got in trouble last week about some things i said about someone and i feel incredibly foolish and want to quit that particular job, but that is probably just me overreacting (though a similar event in the summer caused me the same amount of stress and let's be honest - i'm not a fucking photographer, i'm barely a writer and i'm more of a time waster than anything else). 

i don't know what the fuck i am. i don't even know what day of the week it is sometimes. i don't have anyone to push me along or to offer me any real criticism/support/help in any way. 

i'm also queasy because my other 'boss' is in from toronto and i don't know how to get ahold of him and the film is nowhere near being done to show him and even if it were, would i want to show it to him? at the end of the day, i don't think it can stand up against a film with a budget. 

who needs a drink.