it occurs to me that i don't know what i'm doing. i feel like i'm being thrust through space, holding onto something and a few people and that everything is flying by. all i can do is sit and watch. wait. hold my breath. yes - this is super emo (1997 type) but i have to vent. have to bitch, moan, worry. i work on other people's schedules. i hate it. i want someone to work around me for once. i wish i had something for them to work around.
i ran out of food in my fridge and i'm out of money and i almost don't care.
i suppose i'm just sick of everyone and their negativity. everyone and their self-importance. everyone walking in and thinking they can change everything while i've been sitting there nursing and pouring over it forever. i have a certain idea, certain goals. ways that i want this all to end up. if you stand in my way, i will fucking fight you. i will get my way because i cave too easily.
this is how it is. this is what we grow up to be. self aware, self consumed, self conscious ... self obsessive. i'm not a photographer. i'm not ready. i'm not musical. i'm not easily educated. i'm not pushy enough sometimes. i'm too pushy sometimes. i'm not here, leave a message. i'm waiting. i'm tired of waking up tired. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast (you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?) i'm tired of the way i am not included in something that i helped create. jen says maybe it's because i'm negative. fuck that. someone said maybe it's because i don't drink anymore. this has been going on way longer. some say it's because they think i'm busy. i'm not.
after this - it's all done. we're through. say it mean it. we're fucking done.
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