yup.

welp - on saturday a bunch of people came over and it was the first time i've had a bunch of people over to my apartment. there were people i used to work with when i had a job, friends of mine, friends of my girlfriend who are now as well friends of mine. one friend made me a cookie that was big and had grooves like a record and in the center where the band's name goes she put 'merch table delite' which is my fictional band that i make music for and sometimes i think she is the only person that acknowledges/indulges me in this. also, the box the cookie came in had a neat album cover. she also made me a record card and got me the newest woody allen film to come to dvd. it was nice to see everyone and watch the mr t cartoon with them. 

on sunday we didn't do the radio show (again) and we had a dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. my family then got me a few books i already had and a few i didn't, so i will have to go and return the other books. i also got the dvd of the beatles' film 'help!' and just watched it. i wish i had skicycles like the ones they used in the safety of the alps.

on monday i sat around the university and we got john kozak to read lines for the role of the bingo caller to play in the background of our final scene. i miss hanging out at the school but we were there for a long time and i got thirsty.

i also did a lot of nothing.

then yesterday was my birthday and i had lunch at my grandma's with my sister and then jen and i had dinner at baked expectations and i saw my old librarian/french teacher from junior high and she kept looking at me but i ignored her because i haven't talked to her in eleven years. then we went to the record store and i couldn't find the sean lennon records and jen and i went back to her apartment and i opened my presents and she got me the dark was the night compilation and snuff by chuck palahniuk and tv on the radio tickets and an awesome card. 

i think i have been feeling awkward lately for a few reasons. in the last few years, i have been unable to enjoy any kind of situation that revolves around attention being focused on me and the only reason i can come up with is that maybe i have developed some sort of social anxiety. i keep looking down at the ground and my mind wanders and i don't like the attention. also, lately, i've been waiting about a certain job and it has been overworked so much in my mind that i don't know if i could handle it if i got it. a) i've been out of work for eight months and have become quite lazy and b) it's an intimidating job and if i fuck up then it is all over for me in that field. i'm feeling an enormous amount of pressure and it is freaking me out. 

i'm also incredibly bored and depressed lately with nothing to do all day. sometimes i honestly would rather have a job with no responsibility than have a job that i could excel at. 

i got in trouble last week about some things i said about someone and i feel incredibly foolish and want to quit that particular job, but that is probably just me overreacting (though a similar event in the summer caused me the same amount of stress and let's be honest - i'm not a fucking photographer, i'm barely a writer and i'm more of a time waster than anything else). 

i don't know what the fuck i am. i don't even know what day of the week it is sometimes. i don't have anyone to push me along or to offer me any real criticism/support/help in any way. 

i'm also queasy because my other 'boss' is in from toronto and i don't know how to get ahold of him and the film is nowhere near being done to show him and even if it were, would i want to show it to him? at the end of the day, i don't think it can stand up against a film with a budget. 

who needs a drink.