charlie brown said it best - i can't stand it.

sigh.

so i'm realizing that i need to step back and take a look at things, analyze, remove. things aren't going well in the book of nick. i need to get up off of my ass but i keep saying 'oh, i have to do this' and making excuses. 

i need to go and find out how to apply for grants. i'm tired of people just saying 'apply for grants' because i look at them and have NO IDEA what i am doing. then i get mad that other people that make shitty films are getting grants and getting theirs seen around the world. aside from a few screenings at the u of w film fest, mine are not seen. all that work is not worth just one screening. i'm sick of it, frankly. i have no idea what i am doing, no guidance, no help. 

got word tonight that none of our super 8 footage worked out, so we have to re-shoot a bunch of stuff. welcome to no-budget filmmaking.

i'm pretty fed up with it, to be honest. i'm tired of a lot of it. i'm just tired. i haven't been this mad in a while. this sad really. almost to the point of wanting to burst, but i don't have the energy to. 

it's all really self indulgent 'whoa is me' bullshit, but yeah. that's what this is all about. the 'look at me' factor. 

i don't feel like i have any good friends lately. i don't talk with anyone about anything other than bullshit to pass the time. jen is good to talk to but she doesn't always help. 

i wish i were better at music, that i could do things and people would take it seriously. i wish i understood photography and lenses and irises and apertures and could make a good looking film and i wish i understood lighting. i just want to be able to do it all myself because i don't trust anyone else. i wish i were a better editor. i wish i could do everything that i want to do. instead i literally just sit here and freak out, getting overwhelmed, worrying. 

i am almost out of money. i need a job. i'm getting dicked around at one freelance thing and not getting enough work at the other. i need to get out of the apartment and make something of myself. people are too busy to notice that i am not doing anything so i act like it doesn't matter.

ladies and gentlemen, this is when we start to worry about our boy. at least this makes me smile non-stop! the best sad/happy warm blanket tunes you could ask for!!!