just venting.

i am worried.

my stomach aches never seem to go away. 

my sinus headaches never seem to go away.

people have never kept me close on their radar and now i am not even a blip.

haven't heard from toronto in over a week. fury.

my dad doesn't understand how i blew through my savings (it's easy in six months i suppose, especially when you pay for the funding of a film that didn't turn out as good as you wanted it to).

i have no money and don't know what to do. i suppose i'll just get any old job and not focus on trying to get a good one. gas station, here i come?

i can never sleep. ever. when i do get to sleep, people buzz my apartment. yes, random people. my buzz code is 33 and i think the 3 sticks when people are dialing anyone, so i get - a few times a day - random people. grandmas. meals on wheels. assholes. etc. lots of etc. my mother also texts me at 9am to tell me that so and so is going to be on the view. nice of her, but when someone is on the view, they never talk because four fuckin gabby bitches are yammering at the speed of sound.

i've gotten so depressed lately that i almost can't even watch tv because i just get so filled with envy and anger that other people are working in the fields that i would like to be that i can't stand it. not even local people, but everyone. i want to tell the world to take a nice big leap off the edge of a cliff. 

i also hate getting this school newsletter magazine from u of w, showing me that two people in my grad class are hard at work as actors, spotlighting them blah blah blah. blow me.

i'm sick of everyone's successes being rubbed in my face. i'm sick of not being qualified for anything because i didn't get an internship somewhere because i didn't go to so and so school. i'm a qualified person, i'm not an idiot and i know how to act in a workplace. i'm creative to the point of moody though. i don't know. fuck it.

gotta go and wrap presents and go to my mom's birthday dinner. holidays. be a lot easier if i didn't have a non-stop stomach ache since i was twelve years old.