i'm a little concerned about the state of everything. my life is a little un-settled at the moment. i've just finished making a film and i find myself quite alone, everyone else gone back to the usuals of their day to day-ness. i remain, as i always do, on the sidelines.
i go to a party and tell everyone all sorts of neat things about the film and the writing i'm doing for so and so. only problem is, the film for me is months and months of work, all for thirty minutes to other people. the writing, not going so well. it's hard communicating when your boss is in toronto. waiting to hear back on little details can take weeks. horrible weeks! sitting and waiting and eating all the food in your kitchen and watching so much degrassi it hurts.
i need to get christmas presents.
i tried looking up grant applications, only to find that i have no idea how to apply for them. the websites are useless, they just tell you who won last time. and it's never the people who need grants. why does ___________ need two grand a month to write? i don't know. maybe it's because i funded this whole project myself (chad will be paying me back half at some point) that i'm stressed. i don't know. i don't think that i will ever get to make anything worth while and that i will be working three part time jobs or something. i'm still pissed about not getting that film critic job and the reasoning behind it. i'm not a photographer, and though i do enjoy taking photos, i'm not good enough at it to do anything outside of shooting for uptown. not that that is a bad thing, shooting for uptown is great, just inconsistent. and i am not a very confident photographer, i have no training. i don't even know how to operate the functions on my own camera. i never understood any technical stuff in film class, rarely shot my own work, not a tech guy, lens guy, lighting guy, anything. i feel stupid when i'm on set and they're taking light metre readings and talking about all sorts of shit and i haven't a fucking clue about any of it. mostly i want to give it all up and run for the hills.
the one thing i really wish i was good at was music but i am not, not at all. i can't understand how to play, i don't get notes, i am not good at all. i've been playing bass for a few years on and off and have nothing past a basic comprehension. borders on embarrassing.
if i could just write screenplays all day long i would. i suppose technically i can do that right now, all day long, but i can't. i could, i just can't even get up the nerve to open my final draft application. i feel like i can't make any of this stuff on my own, so why bother. it took almost 60 people to make the new film, and months of planning and tons of cash. to make my full length would cost over a hundred thousand dollars. i love those characters and that story but the script ... i don't know if it stands up. don't know if it is worth putting that money into.
i'm doubting myself in the writing department, that maybe all of my ideas are recycled. i'm worried about what fucking university drop outs are going to say about it. what assholes are going to say. i'm pissed that musicians can write a three minute song, spend a week in a studio, go and play shows each night ... it's so accessible. so much easier to publicize it all as well. hear a song on a radio, online, wherever. buy the record, see the show, buy the t-shirt.
none of this is easy, i know, it's just easier to get yourself out there, for the audience to find you.
i'm just not having a good day. so here's a picture of quinzy opening presents in my apartment. they are having their annual quinzmas show on friday and saturday at the park theatre. read the article in this thursday's uptown and see the photogs i took?
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